The word "codependent" has been used a lot in recent years. It may even feel like it's just another one of those therapy buzzwords that people throw around. Codependency is, in fact, a real thing, and it's something that can seriously get in the way of your relationships, including the one you have with yourself.
Simply put, codependency is when your identity, self-worth, and emotional stability are dependent on someone else entirely. There's a difference between being there for someone versus losing yourself in the process. If you're not entirely sure if codependency applies to you and your relationships, here are 5 warning signs to look out for.
1. You Feel Responsible for The Emotions of Others
Do you feel personally responsible for the emotions of others? If someone around you is upset, do you feel like it's your fault or that you need to fix it? If this is the case, this is a big sign. Codependent individuals often carry the emotions of others. They hold onto other people's emotional baggage as if it were their own. If you notice yourself feeling anxious when someone else is upset or down, even if it has nothing to do with you, it's a huge red flag that you may be codependent.
2. You Have a Hard Time Saying "No"
Do you find yourself struggling to say "no"? Are you committing to things that you don't actually want to do just to avoid conflict? People pleasing is a main factor of codependency. If you're constantly worried that you're going to upset someone for saying no, worried about disappointing them or letting them down, or you feel guilty for putting yourself first, these are all signs of people pleasing and codependency. When you put others wants and needs above your own, where does that leave your own needs? It means that these get pushed to the very bottom of your list.
3. You Feel Valued By Feeling Needed
It's a great feeling when you feel needed, but if you only feel like you're being valued when you're needed or helping someone, this is usually a bigger concern than just wanting to help out. If you feel like you have to constantly fix things, take care of others, or be the go-to person, this could be a sign of codependency. One of the main signs of codependency is when one partner needs someone else to rely on them so that they feel worthy. If you're unsure if this is you or not, pay attention to how you feel when you don't feel needed. If you experience feelings of panic or feel lost, you are probably codependent.
4. You Have a Hard Time Deciphering Your Own Wants and Needs
When's the last time you thought about your own wants and needs? When you're codependent, you spend a majority of your time focusing on the wants, needs, and emotions of others; you don't have a lot of time or energy left to focus on yourself. You may not even realize or know what your actual feelings or needs are anymore.
5. You Continue to Stay in Toxic Relationships
Do you find yourself choosing to stay in relationships that are toxic, one-sided, or leave you feeling completely drained? If you're scared of what it means to let even a toxic relationship go, if being alone feels scarier than the way you're currently being treated, or if you think things will get better if you do something differently, you're in a codependent relationship. You can't continue to make excuses for this wrongful behavior. You're only hurting yourself in the long run.
Next Steps
Did you find yourself agreeing with a lot of these points? Give yourself a little grace. Codependency is something that is learned, especially as we grow up. The good news is that it's also something that can be unlearned. Acknowledging and bringing awareness to these codependent tendencies is a great first step towards finding healthier patterns moving forward. Reach out today to ask about codependency counseling and learn more about what healthy relationships look like.