Sex is an important aspect of relationships. But it can also be a sensitive conversation, making it difficult to talk about, even with the person you love and trust.
Many people, both single and in relationships, feel embarrassed to bring up this topic of conversation or fear being judged, misunderstood, or even rejected.
Communicating with your partner about sex is essential. This conversation can strengthen not only the physical aspect of your relationship but also your emotional connection.
This is how to negotiate sexual needs with your partner.
Set Aside Time to Talk
Before you dive right into this type of conversation, set up a safe and secure time, space and place for it to happen. You don't want to just spring this on your partner out of nowhere. You also want to make sure there aren't any distractions happening in the background, like other people talking, the television or getting interrupted by text messages or emails. Let your partner know what you want to talk to them about and set up a time to chat so that you can both prepare for the conversation.
Use "I" Statements
Make sure you're mindful of the words you choose when speaking with your partner. Even a simple switch of a word can create different meanings. For example, when you use "you" statements, they can come across as though you're placing blame onto your partner. These types of statements can also make your partner feel like they need to defend themselves. Instead, try speaking from your perspective by using "I" statements. Speaking from your point of view can help your partner see where you're coming from instead of feeling like they need to jump into defense mode.
Be Respectful
You and your partner are two completely unique individuals. This means that you came into the relationship with your own wants, needs, interests, hobbies, passions, personalities and more. You managed to find common ground despite all of these differences. Another difference that you may share is your sexual needs. Even if you and your partner are two peas in a pod, it doesn't mean that you'll agree on everything, including your sexual needs and desires. Make sure you and your partner are working together to find compromise and mutual understanding. The end goal should be making sure you're both respecting one another along the way to ensure that you each are comfortable and satisfied with where things are going.
Practice Active Listening
No matter if you're the one in the relationship who initiated the conversation or not, you need to make sure that you and your partner both have a chance to speak your mind. Communicating with your partner means both talking and listening. Make sure you're taking the time to listen, hear and understand what they're saying to you. This means turning off any distractions, leaning in and taking the time to fully comprehend what they're conveying. Instead of thinking about what you're going to say next or interrupting them when they're speaking, wait until they're done talking to ask any clarifying questions.
Keep Communicating With One Another
The topic of sexuality and sexual desires shouldn't be a one-and-done type of conversation. Just like you check in with your partner about one another's days and what's happening in your lives, you need to make sure that you're constantly checking in on your sex life as well. This should be an ongoing dialog that can help you and your partner remain on the same page and deepen your connection.
Next Steps
Communicating and negotiating sexual needs with your partner doesn't have to be something that intimidates either of you. If you and your partner struggle to get on the same page, I'm here to help. Reach out to see how working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner.