Infidelity is often one of the most difficult challenges a relationship can face. While some couples choose to separate after such a damaging event, others work toward healing and staying together. If you've recently experienced an affair, either as the unfaithful partner or the harmed partner, you might be wondering how self-esteem impacts this painful situation.
When You're the Betrayed Partner
For the partner who was cheated on, the emotional aftermath severely affects self-esteem. Research shows that experiencing a partner's infidelity can lead to significant psychological distress, including worsened depression and anxiety symptoms. The betrayal undermines your very sense of who you were in the relationship.
You probably find yourself wondering: "Why wasn't I good enough to keep my partner here? Am I worthy of being loved?" These questions are common, even though they're rarely the truth of the situation. Research published in Personality and Individual Differences found that people who were cheated on often experience lower self-esteem, especially when they have a history of past trauma or were already struggling with their self-esteem.
Many people tie their self-worth to the success of the relationship, which isn't always healthy, but is a common reality. The discovery of an affair completely shakes that foundation and makes you feel like your identity is wrapped up in the relationship's status. This kind of self-doubt and loss of confidence can spiral and deeply affect your sense of self.
When You're the Unfaithful Partner
For the partner who had the affair, self-esteem issues may have played a part in the infidelity itself. Studies indicate that for some people, self-esteem issues are a driving force behind cheating due to a deep need to feel desirable or a craving for external validation.
Research from the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy identifies low self-esteem as one of the key psychological factors that can motivate infidelity. People who cheat because of their own self-esteem struggles often minimize their behavior and have a hard time taking accountability. They might shift blame outward, saying their partner wasn't good enough, when in reality, it's their own poor self-esteem driving the behavior.
Interestingly, research shows that perpetrators of infidelity also experience lower self-esteem after the affair, along with decreased relationship satisfaction and increased relationship conflict. The emotional toll extends in both directions.
How to Cope After Infidelity
If you’re dealing with an affair, taking steps to rebuild your self-esteem is essential for healing, regardless of which role you played. Here are some concrete actions you can take:
Develop an identity outside the relationship. It's important to cultivate a sense of yourself that exists independently from your romantic partnership. Dive into hobbies—either old ones you've neglected or new ones you've been wanting to try.
Rebuild your support network. Strengthen friendships and other relationships with loved ones that aren't romantic in nature. You can find emotional support through these connections rather than deriving all your self-worth from romantic relationships alone.
Take care of your whole self. This means attending to both your physical and mental health simultaneously. Exercise, eat nutritious foods and prioritize adequate sleep. When you care for your body, you're also supporting your mental health, and these practices can positively impact your self-esteem.
Moving Forward
Whether you're working to repair your relationship or moving on separately, rebuilding your self-esteem is an important step toward self-fulfillment. Remember that your worth isn't determined by your relationship status or your partner's choices. Healing is possible when you commit to developing a healthier relationship with who you are at your core.
If you're struggling with the aftermath of infidelity or working to understand your own patterns in relationships, contact me about spiritual therapy for infidelity. I can give you the space to prioritize and love yourself in ways that truly matter.