Do you think you might be a co-dependent parent?
It is one thing to be an involved parent. It is a totally different matter to smother or inappropriately enable your child.
Many parents become codependent as a result of a child's struggles, illness, or addiction. As their child's unhealthy behavior persists, co-dependent parents and their child can enter into unhealthy interaction of guilt, manipulation, and negativity that prevents all parties from living lives of their own.
Over time, you may also feel like you cannot exist independently of your child. Their problems are your problems. You may even feel bothered if your child improves or starts healing without your help or input.
If this seems like your parenting dynamic, perhaps the following will be enlightening too:
3 Clues that Reveal You are Struggling with Codependent Parenting
You deny, excuse, and cover.
Witnessing your addicted child's mistakes and life-threatening choices is your worst nightmare... on repeat. Yet denying the truth of who they are while under the influence is damaging to them and to you. Making excuses and smoothing over your child’s messes and behaviors absolves them of the negative consequences that might stem those behaviors. In effect, you allow them to go on hurting themselves and others without suffering any of the fall effects.
If you let denial take over, the unhealthy relationship will override the gains they are making in recovery. Speaking to a qualified therapist will help discover reasons for this codependent attachment and how to start dealing with it.
You bankroll bad behavior.
One of the biggest indicators that you are a codependent parent? You provide financial assistance again and again. You may have talked yourself into believing that supporting your child monetarily is an act of prevention. You may hope that funding them keeps them from engaging in criminal activity, dangerous behavior, or procuring drugs or alcohol.
Actually, you are again communicating that sending your child the message that their addictive behaviors are okay and acceptable. Thereby, their addiction treatment is often further delayed.
You parent out of fear.
Mood swings and the inability to self-regulate are par for the course with addicted people. The result for a parent? An inordinate amount of time trying to deal with unpredictable behavior, disrespect, aggression, and risky conduct. Do you look away or confront and stand up to your child? Constantly allowing your child to have their way for fear of desertion or having to remove them from your life is not loving. It is codependent and does not honor either of you.
You sacrifice your own relationships.
Too often, parents find that a codependent relationship with your child leads to losing many, if not all, of their other relationships. The work of constantly excusing and rescuing your child is too much for most others who need your attention too. Your partner and other children may have already shared that they suffer neglect as a result of your codependence.
It's vital that you communicate to your child that they can rely on you for healthy interaction. They must not be the center of your world.
So, What's the Next Step?
While it may have seemed like a noble notion to engage so heavily with your child, it's important to remember that they need and deserve a path to their own hope and independence. Your children need room to heal, grow. They need to recover from their mistakes and bear the weight of their consequences. Eventually, they need to secure their own relationship and make a life of their own. Just as you did. Even if their choices are not those you would make.
How to get there? Ask for help. You both deserve more. Please click here for more information on Codependency Therapy and call my office soon.