The ability to love someone is a beautiful thing. But like all things, there is a limit to how much love we can give without examining our own intentions.
Are you struggling to be a healthy caregiver now? True caregiving is not rooted in insecurity or negativity but in the genuine desire to see the hurting person restored or well. Even if it makes one or both of you uncomfortable in the short term, a caregiver understands the importance of boundaries.
Compassionately caring for someone else while still meeting their own needs is crucial. If you lose sight of care goals you can slip from caregiving into caretaking, a less beneficial and productive role.
Are there clear indicators that your efforts have become less helpful and more problematic for you and your loved one? If so, what can you do?
Signs that You’ve become a Codependent Caretaker
Caretaking tends to lean heavily on removing responsibility from the person in need of care. Think of it as a process of enabling and disabling the care recipient repeatedly, however well-meaning. This, of course, does more harm than good and prolongs the pain your loved one is experiencing. In fact, codependent caretaking reinforces a sense of helplessness and undermines your loved one's confidence and willingness to risk making changes.
Caretaking, for the giver, is too light on boundaries and creates an imbalanced, codependent environment. You remain needed and superior in the relationship.
All in all, though you may think that you know what is best for the person, caretaking inevitably becomes manipulative over time. Are you so invested in their problems that you use "advice" to control and drive your interactions? As a result, do your interactions become a prolonged dance of guilt and anger as you advise and they resist or reject your control? Unintentionally, you may indicate that you do not think they are capable of doing anything themselves.
With codependent caretaking, you can end up taking more than giving. Out of fear and worry, your own goals, ideas, and needs take over. Mutual vulnerability, respect, and intimacy decline as you become less and less a relationship partner and more parental.
If you realize that you are a codependent caretaker, what can you do to make a meaningful change?
Therapy Helps You Work Toward Healthy Love
A healthy caregiver practices self-awareness and accepts that their loved ones must live their own lives and make their own choices. Caregiving comes from a place of internal security and intentionality. To move away from caretaking requires work.
Sometimes, the best way we can show how much we love someone is to let them grow and make their own mistakes. It does not mean you love them any less. That is the only way a person learns and grows, for better or worse.
When it comes to addiction, if you spend all of your time and effort covering for them or excusing their behavior, they may not be motivated to seek help or make lasting changes. Worse, the odds of creating a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship decrease significantly.
Not sure which care role you play in a loved one's life? To know if you are a healthy caregiver or a codependent caretaker, you might need some support and time to reflect and share safely. That's where codependent counseling can be extremely helpful.
If you would like to change the unhealthy relationship you’ve created, seek professional help immediately. Knowing the difference between an unhealthy caretaker and a healthy caregiver can free you from a toxic cycle. Consider codependency therapy soon. Please contact me for your first appointment to learn how to take care of someone in ways that benefit you both.