How do you and your partner handle arguments? Have you been able to reach a place of civility and mutual understanding when you have big disagreements?
If you’re like most couples, you are still working to find this balance. Your arguments may center around repeated themes. Maybe they never reach a resolution. Perhaps both of you leave arguments emotionally exhausted and hurt.
Do you hate the way that arguing makes you feel and wish for a better way to communicate with each other? Deciding to hold yourself accountable for what happens during an argument is a powerful means toward better communication.
What Is Accountability in an Argument?
If you’ve learned much about codependency, you may be familiar with the concept of accepting personal responsibility. Basically, taking responsibility for your behavior, actions, and words is a large part of what it means to be accountable during an argument. This includes taking responsibility for how you allow your partner’s words and actions to affect you during an argument. It means not blaming the other person for any inappropriateness on your part.
Achieving productive accountability during an argument will ideally be the goal of both partners. But how do you do this?
Agree on Guidelines for Arguments
When you’re in the middle of a verbal blowup, guidelines are probably the last thing on your mind. This is why it’s important to formulate them together ahead of time, before your next argument!
Relationship experts often recommend the following guidelines to help arguments be less destructive and more productive.
Be Respectful
One of the most utterly demeaning aspects of arguments between couples is how frequently they turn into shaming, name-calling, belittling attacks on each other. Often, you end up saying things to your partner that you would never, ever say to someone else. Are long-gone mistakes get brought up again? Do attacks on each other’s families occur? Do one of both or you seethe with contempt?
At that point, an argument has turned into a blame game and a verbal rampage. Any chance of constructive resolution is blown to smithereens, and the relationship is worn thin.
If this sounds familiar to you, you can probably understand why respect is vital. Without it, a disagreement becomes bigger than it needs to be and quickly turns ugly.
To be accountable, check yourself when you start to rip into your partner. Likewise, if they start ripping into you, decide ahead of time how you will respond. Do your part to avoid being dragged into the maelstrom.
Set Boundaries
Obviously, agreeing to be respectful toward each other is one boundary. But there are others to keep in mind as well:
Safety
You’re probably familiar with the surge of anger and explosive energy that accompanies big arguments. These physical side effects of arguing can turn physically dangerous if your argument is taking place in a motor vehicle or other form of transportation. Quiet down and de-escalate if an argument starts to ferment here. Impulsivity and poor judgment can lead to an accident.
Privacy
You’ve probably witnessed couples’ arguments in public. They may be quiet, but the seething anger and hissed words make everyone uncomfortable. The people around you don’t need to witness your fights. Find a way to keep them private and appropriate. for the environment.
Take a Time Out
The role of time outs is to immediately stop a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner. Time outs are a form of distance taking, and needs to be done responsibly. It needs to include 1) An explanation and 2) A promise of return. When arguments get heated, there’s often so much more at stake than just the issue at hand. Time outs are not about punishing the other, rather it’s an opportunity to calm yourself down and then continue the conversation. Time frame intervals could run from 30 minutes, to 1 hour, to 3 hours or even 24 hours.
Agree to Disagree
No couple is going to fully agree on every single topic all of the time. With time, you’ve probably identified hot topics in your relationship. If you’ve argued about it repeatedly with no resolution or progress, it may be time to just let it go. It’s okay to respectfully agree to disagree. Doing otherwise will only lead to greater frustration and emotional damage.
***
Finally, if you and your partner are struggling to overcome your arguments, working with a couples counselor can be a life-changing step. As a therapist, I can help you recognize harmful patterns in your arguments and steer you toward healthier ways to communicate. I encourage you to read more about couples therapy and reach out to my office for a consultation.