Everyone’s familiar with the tunnel vision that comes with falling in love. The honeymoon phase takes over, and suddenly you can’t see anything else but that person. But what if all that attention outlasts the fun that used to come with it?
Then, you might be in a codependent relationship. How do you know for sure? Here are five questions to ask yourself:
1. Do They Bring Out Your Strengths or Do They Depend on Them?
Close, healthy couples play up each other’s strengths. Maybe one of you is better at cooking than the other, so you take dinner duty more often. Perhaps the other is a better driver, so they chauffeur on nights out. Together, you have a great balance of responsibility.
However, if you feel responsible for cooking or driving every time, then your partner might depend on you. Maybe you find yourself over-giving or feeling like you can “fix” your partner to the point where you’re completely burnt out. In this case, you’re not only stressing yourself out with too much responsibility, but you’re encouraging your partner’s dependence on you.
2. Does One Person Plan Everything?
Some people may feel like natural planners, but constantly planning dates, grocery lists, vacations, and more can convince your partner to depend on you. Healthy couples enjoy a balance of responsibility to the relationship—contributing events and starting conversations with each other regularly.
You may find that whenever your partner pulls away, you instinctively cover their ground by offering gifts, lighthearted conversation, or surprise dates. Healthy couples know how to ask for space and ask for more of an effort from their partner when it’s needed.
3. Do You Lower Your Boundaries For Them?
Codependent people may see boundaries as something necessary for strangers and coworkers, but not significant others. The truth is that we all need boundaries because we all have different needs.
For example, someone may stand firm against body-shaming when it happens to their friend. However, when their significant other calls them hurtful names after wearing a low-cut shirt, codependent people might excuse it away with, “Well, he was cheated on before me so I get why he was nervous.”
Healthy, close couples enjoy mutual respect, trust, and honesty. They each have firm personal boundaries and are aware of their partner’s limits. Can you name your partner’s boundaries?
4. Do You Enjoy Alone Time Without Each Other?
Before meeting your partner, what did your life look like? Did you run every morning? Paint on the weekends? Go to trivia nights with friends?
In the event that your partner is out of commission (you choose to break up or they spend extended time away from you), it’s important to have a life independent from them. Without it, breaking up can never really be about breaking up. Now, you're forced to consider the entire lifestyle you’ve built around them.
Healthy couples lean on each other for support but don’t need it to survive. They each have independent interests and recognize that sometimes things are better with mutual help.
5. Do You Need Their Approval to Feel Whole?
Everyone loves a good compliment from their romantic partner, but there’s a difference between accepting compliments and depending on someone’s words for approval.
Narcissists, for example, tend to make their partners feel that they’re almost good enough for them, but not quite. This leaves their victim burned out with unrealistic expectations.
You may feel the need to ask your partner for permission to do basic everyday activities. Similarly, they could be the only ones making decisions for you and the relationship. If this is the case, it’s time to seek professional help.
If you’re confused about your relationship, individual counseling can help you discover your own feelings. If you want to explore your relationship’s key strengths and weaknesses, try couples counseling. Whatever healing you’re looking for, you don’t have to go it alone. I encourage you to read more about couples therapy and reach out to my office for a consultation. Pleases schedule an appointment today.