The COVID pandemic has brought about many paradoxical changes in our lives. Perhaps the chief of these involves our most intimate relationships. You’re probably spending more time than ever with your spouse or partner. After all, you may be working from home or not working. You can’t do the things you once did outside of the home, such as going to the gym, bars, or restaurants. Instead, you’re both at home—together most of the time.
Yet despite all of this time together, you’re actually feeling more alone than before. You spend hours physically near them, but emotionally you feel miles away from them. And this sense of loneliness isn’t only about your spouse. The loss and disconnection are bigger, given all the things that have changed in the last six months. So this makes closeness in your relationship even more important. You both need each other to get through this time of global crisis.
If this is your case, there are steps you can take to reconnect with your partner.
Notice Where You Spend Your Time
While this may seem unrelated to reconnecting, it’s actually quite important. When your partner is nearby, do you pay attention to each other? Or are you too absorbed in watching the latest news about the pandemic and other crises? Maybe you push your partner away when they try to help out around the house, or you just get irritated when they’re around. It could be that you’re pouring yourself into work (even if at home) as a way to escape. Whatever the case is, notice these things.
Stop Comparing
This is a small step, but vital. Taking a break from social media can do wonders for your most important social interactions, the ones that happen in real life in your very own home. Social media has the unfortunate effect of making us compare our lives to the curated, perhaps even dishonest, lives of others. You only see what they choose to show you. So their family looks happy; their marriage looks like it’s full of spark. They don’t show you the arguments and the flirty relationship the husband has with the lady next door.
But you still compare your relationship to theirs. This breeds discontent and dissatisfaction. You start to only see your partner’s flaws, as well as your own. Instead, turn off the feed and make a list of the good things about your partner. Cultivate gratitude for them and their role in your life.
Listen…For Real
So much disconnection is created when you don’t truly pay attention to what the other person is saying. Your thoughts may be on anything but them. Maybe you’re planning your next online purchase or how to snag the first available grocery pickup spot. You feel like you just have too much going on in your own brain to worry about what they have to say.
Yet chances are you wish they would slow down and listen to you when you talk. Perhaps being the first to give your full attention to them will cultivate shared reciprocity in communication.
Real Conversations and Intentional Time
If you’re feeling alone in your relationship, your partner probably is lonely as well. It can be a hard thing to bring this up. You may be able to pinpoint specific things they’ve done or didn’t do that has contributed to the situation. And they can probably do the same.
However, you can repair the gift. You can work together to learn healthier communication patterns. Start with small amounts of time dedicated only to spending time together—fifteen minutes cuddling on the sofa, or holding hands while on an autumn walk. With time and intention, it is possible to reconnect.
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Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you still feel the distance in your relationship. But it doesn’t have to be that way. As a therapist, it’s my duty to help educate my clients on a healthier way of relating to each other. If you recognize yourself in these situations and want to talk more, I encourage you to read more about couples therapy and reach out to my office.